on mastering chaos
CW: nightmares, obsessive thoughts, eating disorders, mental health, substance use
as a kid, I used to have obsessive and disturbing nightmares - I’d dream that I would wake up in my bed and endless loops of spiders or roaches would crawl from the corners of the room. I would often wake up screaming or sweating, and my legal father, a psychiatrist, would sit with me and help me make sense of what was happening. fortunately, he happens to have also helped research a book on dreams.
I would have other obsessive thoughts during the daytime - in particular, I would hear a voice every time I thought I did something wrong. it was a deep, stern male voice that would rant obscenities and slurs at me, the meaning of most I would not come to understand for many years, words that would make my gut curl up and my nerves electrify with fear. words I would never, ever use now as an adult.
I was obsessed with the idea of being surveilled, and often while at home I would stop in the middle of an activity and look over my shoulder through the window, expecting to see someone peering in at me. this occurred over many years and still at times, when I’m feeling less than supported in my routines and practices, my suspicions grow around the safety of my person and my dwelling.
as I grew into adolescence, my obsessions grew darker - I would spend night after night spiraling into databases of missing person reports, news stories about deaths at Disneyland (I am a Southern California girl who grew up listening to Tragic Kingdom lol), freak accidents, flesh-eating bacteria and brain-eating ameoba. when my friends and loved ones weren’t near me and I hadn’t heard from them, I would scour news sources for accidents. I became convinced that I would die unwittingly at the hands of some mysterious, unknown disease.
in school I was known as hyper, talkative, weird and strange, always talking about things other people didn’t want to talk about or were never thinking about in the first place. my attention span was all over the place and so were my emotions. I learned that most people, not even my parents, really knew what to make of me or do with me, and the truth was that I didn’t really have a clue either. I was pretty overwhelmed by my own mind.
I dealt with this in young adulthood as many people do - through abusing substances, disordered eating, and risky behavior. I loved to get my hand on whatever helped me feel quite literally ANYTHING other than what I was always feeling - paranoia, fear, dread, panic, anxiety, confusion, isolation. because I wasn’t learning how to DEAL with any of it, I was masking a mess with an even bigger mess. I alienated myself even further by letting these misunderstood dynamics take full control of me while under the influence, and I only made it harder for me to know myself or reconcile the influence of my mind.
I had been in and out of therapy my whole life - I was court-ordered at 4 due to traumatic and abusive claims being made in the course of my parents’ divorce - and while it was helpful, over time, to be able to give name to some of my experiences, it was still a jarring and surface-level process being led by people who didn’t actually understand where I was coming from. (I’m in school now obtaining a master’s in counseling to help correct this for future generations!)
it wasn’t until I met energetic work that I began to actually be able to create shifts in the working of my inner world. first with Reiki, where I learned that we can manipulate the energies within us, refresh them, rejuvenate them, allow them movement. around this time I was also introduced to the Body Keeps the Score, important work created by a controversial man, but that opened my eyes to the phenomenon that our bodies create and maintain conversations with our physical vessels. through exploring this work, I was able to finally feel some of the stagnance of obsession begin to release. my dreams changed, my thought patterns loosened, and I began to believe that it was actually possible to impact our mental wiring.
it was when I studied hypnosis that I recognized the possibility of actually holding ourselves within or subconscious space, and this was the gamechanger that set me down a whole new pathway of managing my mind. only through holding myself in this space, witnessing my experiences within this lifetime and ones before it, and learning that I can resource myself from within, did I actually develop the capacity to contain a helpful inner voice. I spent the first 33 years of my life harboring enemies within my mind that I didn’t even realize I could exist without, and I’ve spent the past three years exploring the space in my mind finally free of most of the venom voices flowing within me.
in that space, a relationship to my benevolent ancestors has been forged, and I reflect back and wonder if those voices I carried were those of my neglected ancestors trapped in their pain - but that’s for another exploration. I have been able to develop a deep connection of magic through ritual with them, and they assist me with all of my Venusian ritual creations. they have accompanied me on this journey of wrestling control of my mind away from the malevolent influences and establishing a sense of collaboration with my mind.
it’s through this process that I have been able to do the shadow work I have accomplished. it is through this process that I have stepped away from all of my well-worn escape routes. it is through this process that I have been able to understand myself, embrace my scattered shards, and embrace the wealth of magic that is possible through my deep imaginative stores. what were once rampant nightmares are now inspired visions and vivid dreamscapes for me to explore. what were once dark obsessions are now intuitive threads of curiosity. what I once feared I now celebrate and cherish.
I think this is why hypnosis has become the crux of my work at this time - everything I practice with others is a tool I have mastered for myself and my own well-being. astrology and tarot will always inform this work, and I will always be in conversation with these tools, but it is hypnosis that has really helped to ANCHOR and LIVE OUT the revelations I’ve had through these other modalities.
if this has sparked anything within you, I invite you to check out my hypnosis offerings and to reach out to me via email or reply to this post. I’d love to chat more with you about your experiences and navigate this process alongside you on this journey.
