writing like it’s 2003: a public solar return documentation
I know from the conversations I’ve had this month that a lot of us are experiencing a different, deeper Pisces season this time around. the Piscean ideals and possibilities, as well as the subsequent potential for disappointment, resonate more strongly now, for better or for worse.
I know that for me this has been intensified by the presence of Pluto, who met my natal Venus two days after the beginning of my very eighth house solar return, and meets my midheaven/IC line in a formidable square just after the equinox. these points will both be revisited with Pluto’s retrograde station this spring. near completion is the final conjunction of Chiron to my north node, set for the same day just after the equinox, bringing to a conclusion this past year’s deep dive into my unstructured, chaotic youth and its implications on my ability to show up for my adult life. this twelfth house profection year has begun with deep grief, followed by a near-constant simmering rage.
I find myself angry with just an infinite list of things - so infinite that some of it feels embarrassing to acknowledge, and yet so much so that it feels like an excavation of several lifetimes. and indeed, past life regression has shown me that this theme of anger is something I’ve carried across realms - anger, specifically, about the state of the world I live in, and the trauma lodged within the ones I hold dearest that I can’t resolve for them. anger for the smallest inconveniences and the largest crises. anger that I feel like I have less of a grasp on my mind by the day. anger that I’m still angry that I’ve had to get this far by my own efforts. anger for being taught to suppress my emotions and feeling them somatically. anger that I wake up and this is the world that I am supposed to live in - literally I ask myself minute to minute how this can be the world that I signed up for. the atrocities are boundless.
in past lives, this anger has in some way or another completely consumed me. this anger is so pervasive that time and time again, I have surrendered to its overwhelm. in this lifetime, I feel destined to face this same choice again, to endure the simmer I know now will be a condition of living in this world, at any given incarnation, and to willfully transmute it into something higher to the best of my ability.
I feel that I am being asked to determine for myself, outside of what is asserted by this world I can’t currently stand, what is actually worth it. to consider that time and energy may be truly precious and rare and to be aligned with how I use it as much as I possibly can. to seek out shared ideals and commit to those spaces and communities. I feel that this solar return has a lot of surprises in store.
these days, my astrology text books are mingling with my psychology school books, as I work and go to graduate school and do little else, and I see glimpses of my future practice - researching mental health signatures within natal charts? tracking transits as part of logging moods and behaviors? simultaneously, I hear Captolia’s voice in my head, and I remember that in my youth, all my internet-to-IRL friends came from my deep Livejournal presence, and I feel compelled to log my own Plutonian mental health journey anchored through the lens of this current solar return, as my own astro research into the significant transits I’m experiencing now.
why now? as I mentioned, for this birthday, I received Pluto visiting my natal Venus and squaring my midheaven and IC, right after a lengthy Venus reboot which stationed retrograde on my natal Venus, and stationed direct close to my ascendant. within the sixth of this solar return lies Venus, Mars, and Pluto (and Vesta, as a treat!) all within two degrees of each other, with Venus ruling my third house and IC, and Mars ruling my ninth house, Chiron, and my midheaven. not to mention, my natal IC/midheaven line is flipped this year in my solar return! my natal Venus, who yes, rules and squares my natal Venus, has quite the team in her pit crew this year, and from the sixth house of routine, we apparently have got a lot of work to do.
Mercury and Saturn, near conjunction in my seventh in Aquarius, sandwich my moon this year, a phenomenon that has me quite alienated from my natal 29º Pisces moon. every emotion I have - still far more than I would wish upon any other human - is nipped at the bud and handled for parts by Mercury and Saturn, who make quick business out of finding a damn solution, stat. my feelings are sort of dragged along like a child tired out from tantrum, dead weight but still cooperating. the despondent child in me who has gotten away with never being taught any better can steer the ship no more - it’s time to grow up and show up, partner. it’s one thing to acknowledge that I’ve had to figure things out on my own for a long time. it’s another to continue to let that define me as though it
and then there’s Jupiter, my time lord, tucked away with my chart ruler, the sun, exploring the shadows of my eighth house together. what I have found so far in my reflection is that I see myself as having inherited the darkest shadow sides of all of my parents. my mother’s inability to see things through and the resentment that she casts outward onto anyone who pauses to assist her. my biological father’s anger at his abandonment and his lifelong search for self. my legal father’s blind hunger and ambition at all costs. I feel these course through me and bear their weight with slumped shoulders. I integrate this truth, or I surrender to its power.
it’s here that I have come to understand the timing of my Jupiter return, and more, the significance of Jupiter in my natal chart. out of sect, in accidental detriment, drowning my Pisces stellium and enduring a square to Saturn, the Voldemort of my chart essentially - and yet, somehow forcing me to bounce back from literally everything that plagues me. Jupiter seems to create the chaos and then give me the courage to save myself from it by the end of the episode. here we are, peering into a natally empty space for me, Jupiter - this time in sect - holding the compass and leading the way.
all in all, it’s a tremendous amount to process, and a reminder that I am not shit unless my mental health game is strong. nothing I do or accomplish out here is going to save me from the river of rage within me. no validation or recognition will silence the woes of my twelfth house Saturn and its domineering glare on the rest of my chart. I have to put in the work. I have to make it matter. I have to move through the anger and decide what it means to me. but I have to make the choice to withstand the Piscean urge to follow these feelings into the abyss. I have to choose connection and put in the effort to steer myself away from the familiar isolation that calls to me from the void.
the only aspects to the sun and Jupiter in the eighth? a sextile to Uranus in the tenth. surprised to see me writing here at this length? me too! will it sustain? IDK, you’ll have to stay tuned won’t you?
